THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

Abuse is a generational curse.. The abused becomes the abuser. The abused seeks out the very same type of abuser and the cycle is repeated again and again. My mother was abused by her mother, andsurvived  a miserable marriage. When we were young she was distant, unavailable, sleeping (most likely depressed) In her later years she became the rock that all of her children could count on in times of trouble. Myself, I have been raped, pimp-beaten, and verbally abused during my earlier years. I always seemed to choose the same type of man, although on the outside they seemed to be very different. In the end, their chief objective was to control me and that by any means necessary. If I could be controlled by a beat-down, that is what I received. If I could be controlled by systematic verbal abuse, that is what I received. Now, I have found that I am a whole lot meaner than I used to be. I can be verbally and physically abusive myself, given the right set of circumstances.

I am writing this blog because my twenty-five year old daughter has been choosing the same bad man since she was eighteen. Her life has been a series of miseries. I was unable to help. She was looking for her father who died when she was only  seven. I call him the “party-pimp” He was good-looking, charasmatic, charming, unfaithful and a pimp-style beater. I spent a Christmas eve in an emergency room after having been beaten for an hour. The last of many beatings.

Anger is depression turned outwards.  Depression is anger turned inwards. My daughter has tried both approaches.  She has tried to assault her abuser, she has been curled into a ball with heart-wrenching sobs. No matter how much I wanted her to not live my life, she continued to choose the same type of man. Today I got a phone call. I was waiting for it. I knew it was coming. She had tried to get a noose and kill herself because of abuse, she had considered drinking chemicals. Tonight, she got a knife, after she had punched her abuser in the face, and there was no telling whether or not she would try to kill herself, him or both. She was a loose wire, having been verbally beaten down for years.  Because of the amount of prayer that I have spent on her behalf, she escaped her jailor. He, an ex-felon, an alcoholic, an all around loser told her how she was a panty-waste. The cruelty was unbearable. She is now staying with her brother and his family. My family is galvanized to help in whatever way we can. We are eager for her to have her own worthwhile life.

She is eligible for her father’s survivors benefits. She is unable to work, having developed a disorder where she faints from stress, or either has developed a seizure disorder. She has been referred to a neurologist. The problem is that my daughter has been diagnosed with ADD, learning disability, and more recently bipolar (as are all of my relatives with a few exceptions) She is unable to fill out the forms because she can read them and simply not understand what she has read. My beloved daughter-in-law will help her get help. There has to be someone in the Social Security department who assists people who have a problem with comprehension. Hell, there are people who are are still totally illiterate.

 I am angry, yet grateful. I am grateful that my daughter is not mortally wounded,  incarcerated or dead. She has knife wounds on her fingers. I have a great deal to say about God’s faithfulnes. This is not the time for my sermom. Right now, I can ony describe what was my mother’s life, my life and my daughter’s life. We live in a society where pregnant women are being  murdered by the  person who has vowed before God and man to love them, where college students are disappearing faster than UFO’s on radar, and where men have begun to attack females in the most bizarre ways. Are we living in a “woman-hating” society? It sure feels like it. What country have we now become? 

I have written poem entitled, THE WOMAN OF A THOUSAND CUTS. It is my story. I hope that this poem will help many abused woman make a decision to survive. To get out before it is too late. To read the handwriting on the wall. To understand the abusive personality, and to make a plan B once it has been identified. Men have become lovers of themselves. Women, keep your eyes open. It has been a long time since we have been on anyone’s pedestal. We have become prey.  Women beware!

THE WOMAN OF A THOUSAND CUTS

She barely noticed, as she skipped

along as a child, the bushes of ill-will.

 

She, being envied, never understood…

As she passed by these bloodied-bushes,

 

thorns scraped her legs and a thorn

pierced her left foot. She kept on skipping,

 

stopping long enough to pull out

the offending thorn. Forgetfulness…

 

When she became a woman, she never

noticed the lustful glances.

 

After the rapes, she noticed a gash in

her private parts. Unmourned…

 

Time heals all wounds. She kept moving.

 

The pimp-style beating, the steely-glint

of a pointed gun, the betrayal of love,

 

left black & blue marks in places no one

was designed to see; within her heart.

 

Loving again, she found mockery to be

her daily bread. These assaults became

 

lacerations of the mind, not the will.

 

When others carried away her children,

she moaned deeply, gutturally; a wounded

 

animal. There was massive internal bleeding.

She kept moving. Die to self is the only truth.

 

When she stopped to share wisdom and light,

she met deception and darkness.

 

Fiery comets cauterized this bleeding.

 

She kept moving, though her pace slowed

with age. She has flash-backs

 

of a thousand cuts, looks above, seeks

comfort from life’s only love.

Alice Parris

10 responses to “THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

  1. your daughter is like you. She is choosing “bad boys” because you did (her father) and she feels most comfortable and learn love from that.

    She needs therapy to re-think and re-learn what love truly is.

  2. Yes, indeed what you say is true. In addition she was due to be born on my birthday, but managed to be five days late. She needs therapy. I have found my therapy in writing about shameful and painful experiences as well as what I see from my particular angle. My daughter loved her father, it is true. He died when she was seven. There is much that she never knew about. I would say therapy and some meds immediately to take her out ot the bipolar-pendulum which is swinging now from depression to mania. We are arranging for an outpatient visit with psychiatrist and psychologist. At this point, she needs to just comply. I had to have her brother committed at eighteen. It broke my heart, but he was in a psychotic-manic phase in which he spent $64,000.00 dollars of his inheritance in a week and he could not tell the real from the unreal. With my daughter, there is more sadness. She presents well, lies and is believable and has evaded any type of court-ordered treatment because her suicidal ideation has not been forthcoming. Also, she was a young adult when she began to exhibit mental illness. I could not exercise parental discretion. Now, as a family, we are prepared to engage in “tough-love” if need be to save her. Thank you for your comment. Many people do not care enough to take the time. People as a whole have become too self-absorbed. Alice Parris

  3. my daughter is 8 and I am scared to death she may follow the same cycle, I did. I did leave my absuvie marriage only for my ex to remarry and her son abused my daughter at 3 yrs old….long story longer, the abuse could not be proved and well she was able to see him after 2 yrs of a nasty court battle. she is in thearpy but I still see that she leans towards the “bad boys”…any advise and what can i do to stop the cycle. I am not and have not dated so, she is not exposed to the abuse. thank you.

  4. At eight, there are still ten years within your legal perogative regarding your daughter. Call a mental health crisis hotline for referrals regarding support groups. It is you who will need the wisdom now, in order to be prepared for her to have a bright rather than predictable future. Surround yourself with loving people , loving couples and loving families. Let her see that not everyone is a taker. As a teen, she will rebell no matter what you are saying or showing. She will do the opposite. It is normal. Now is the time for her to see what is possible for her by witnessing love in close-knit families. Under NO circumstances let her spend the night where there might be the possibility of another breach on her humanity.
    Blessings, Alice Parris

  5. It is now May 20th, 2008. I am happy to say that my daughter is with me.
    She managed to escape her abusive relationship, with her halfway house being her brother’s home, where she found some relief from the relentless psychological abuse of her significant other. She was not ready to come stay with me until she saw, by virtue of the scantiness of unconditional love made available to her, that she would be able to start the real healing process with me. She said, “I am my mother’s daughter.”
    I tried so desperatey throughout the years to caution her to not make the same mistakes that I had. All of my warnings fell on deaf ears, as my mother’s warnings fell upon my deaf ears. My daughter is not on medication, nor is she in therapy. She is just being loved for who she is. She is secure, has found a part-time job with people who appear to like her. She respects me and my home and I do not puattempt to push reforms or agendas upon her. They never worked anyhow. My home is a safe environment. There are no power plays here. We have learned to accept and respect each other as we are; wholly imperfect, yet open to truth. Love and laughter are universal medications that all of the physicians and pharmaceutical companies in the world cannot replicate. My daughter has stopped mood-swinging (leading me to further believe that many of these episodes were externally-triggered) There is peace in my home, with her focus being; “I’m going to just do me and get myself together, get my own place and make a life for myself.” This is music to this mother’s ears, since I know that in the past it was always the man in her life who drove the agenda. Time appears to be healing old wounds.
    Alice Parris

  6. Verbal abuse is insidious. It is akin to the torture of one drop upon one’s forehead at a time over time. I have spoken with many women, having suffered physical and verbal abuse, who said they would rather have undergone physical abuse which would have been over after an episode(until the next episode) than to have the rapid-refiring of verbal abuse which de-constructs the ego and erodes self-esteem, continuously. Obviously, any form of abuse is not acceptable.
    Alice Parris

  7. Truly any type of abuse is unacceptable and anywhere too

    and exposing it louldy in public as well as calling the police is the best way to deal with it for everyon’es benefit, the abuser included.

    God himself clearly does not accept verbal, physical, or human rigths absues

    (Mat 18:6 KJV) But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

    (Mat 18:7 KJV) Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

    (Mat 18:8 KJV) Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

  8. Pingback: 2010 in review « The Trouble With Being Alice

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